Things that Suck # 3: People Cannot Spell.

Contrary to popular belief, I generally do not consider myself a grammar nazi. I don't correct the speech patterns of strangers, and I rarely do so for my friends; I don't get insanely upset when people type "u" instead of "you" when they send me a text (although "wut" and "lyk" absolutely make me ill); I don't obsess over casual capitalization (in fact, on Facebook I tend to avoid it altogether -- it just makes me feel better when I see all the other pseudo-conversations going on); and I never joke or tease when boyfriend asks me to spell a word for him (the English language is difficult, and I get that). Even when foibles and faux pas do frustrate me to no end, I usually just put on a brave face and stew on it quietly while the rest of the conversation continues.

There "were" a bunch of cars in the ditch. Not there "was", there "were". ...imbeciles. 

Sometimes, though, a person just can't help getting frustrated. I mean, when your English professor -- your 400-level English professor -- sends you an email telling you that "your going to have to send me those dates again", you can't help but grind your teeth. And when you open your new novel for your winter gender studies course -- a novel, might I add, that won awards from the American Library Association  -- and it mentions "changing the breaks in the car", you (okay, I) want to fling the book down in frustration, as I'll never be able to enjoy it properly with that mishap flashing like a police light in the back of my eyes as I read.

Spelling and grammar drive me absolutely nuts sometimes. Comma splices? Like papercuts. The "were are we going today" thing? Stubbing your toe on a sharp corner. And the your/you're conundrum? Warm liquor, on a hot day, with a mild flu, next to a garbage dump, with a horde of mosquitos aiming Kamikaze missions at your ears. Oh, and you have blisters. Lots and lots of giant, angry blisters.

I'm not coming out until they're gone. Or have surgically attached Webster's Dictionary to their bottom lips. Whichever comes first.

People: let me tell you this now, for your own good. Yes, I notice when you make mistakes. No, for the most part, I don't judge. However -- and I mean this with the greatest of emphasis -- when you make a career out of your English knowledge (as a novelist, for example, or a professor) then I expect you to know how to form your words properly. In fact, on that note, what the hell are the editors doing? I was copy editing in seventh grade, people. Seventh grade. And even then, I was far beyond making the there/their mistake that seems to pepper my messages like buckshot every time I open them.

And no, purposely misspelling words to sound funny makes you neither cute nor funny. Ever seen Deliverance? You know that guy that starts hopping around spastically while the banjos are duelling? You see how everyone else is laughing? Well, in the movie, they're laughing with him. In real life, I'd be laughing at you. Oh, sorry, I misspelt that. I meant to say "throwing rocks". I would be "throwing rocks at you", as you sent me this asinine crap, in an attempt to knock the tar out of your noggin in at least some small, measurable way.

Ah-DUR-HUR-HUR. ...that is what you sound like. Like the wrong end of a gassy baby. And no, you are not even halfway this cute as you do it.

In fact, the prospect that you are typing these horrific, malformed lumps of language voluntarily and consciously is the only method I have left to cope with their existence. If I were, at any time, to believe that you truly thought that we should put our coats on hangars before we walked through the hanger, I would not only have to remove you as a Facebook friend but likely remove you from existence as well.

The F#*@ did you just say to me?

In the meantime, however, as I sip (shaking with caffeine or anger, I'm not quite sure) at my venti dark roast, pausing occasionally to type my next sentence or drop my heavy head into my shaking, defeated hands...

Wake me up when they're too old and brittle to use a keyboard.

...I will leave you with this. "Disorientated" is not the way you feel when you're confused or lost in the car. You are "disoriented". "Disorientated" means affecting this state on another person. It is a state which can be achieved by certain activities such as spinning a person around to disorientate them, which would thereby cause them to be disoriented.

Or, you know, maybe by slamming their heads into a wall a few times and then beating them senseless with a dictionary. That can disorientate a person too. 

...you know, so I've heard.