Bitchin' Kitchen # 2: The Four B's of Cooking

Once upon a time, boyfriend had a bad day.

He woke up and he was still tired. His body ached and he was in a bad mood. He didn't want to go to school.

He made this face.

His eyes were half open and his breath tasted funny.

And no matter how long he showered or how much gel he put in it, his hair looked like this every time.

This made boyfriend angry. He stomped off to school in a foul mood, and as he did so, he looked like this.

Oh no, I thought. How will I make boyfriend happy again?

I wracked my brains all day.

 And by the time boyfriend came home, I had an idea; a wonderful, glorious idea.

Idea!

I would make him whatever dinner he wanted.


And so, when boyfriend walked in the door, looking like this: 

I said, boyfriend, I have a fabulous idea! I will make you some food!

And then he was like:

And I was like, boyfriend, why are you still sad? I can make you any food you want! I can even make you bacon! And I was like:

Everyone loves bacon.

And boyfriend was like:

And he said, not that bacon! This bacon!

Loads and loads of greasy, salty, delicious bacon!

And I was like, okay boyfriend. And I gave him a hug.

And I said, let's make you some bacon. And I did. And then we were like:

And the moral of the story is, on bad boyfriend days (also two more b's), there are four b's for cooking, and these four b's only: beef, bacon, beer, and bounty (i.e. lots of it). I have learned this through extensive personal experience, and this tactic has yet to fail me.

And so, today, when boyfriend had another bad day, I thought "I will make some 4B!" and I looked for the bacon. But we were out of bacon, and I didn't know what to do. And so, on a whim, I went searching -- and this is what I found.

This recipe is a modified version of the one found in the December issue of Men's Health magazine. It combines three of the four b's -- beer, beef, and bounty -- but I suppose adding crumbled bacon to it would be no big feat either. I have added some additional spices to this (as you will see below), but feel free to modify slightly to your (or your significant other) -'s tastes as well.

Guiness-Braised Short Ribs

For this recipe, you will need:

2 lb beef short ribs (they say bone removed in this recipe; personally, I prefer to leave the bone in, as (as any grandmother will tell you) bones are the basis of a delicious soup stock. Besides, if this dish is done properly, they fall out by themselves at the end and prevent the tedious process of trying to cut them out in the beginning and wasting meat).

salt and black pepper

1 Tbsp canola oil

2 cans or bottles Guinness Draught

2 cups low-sodium beef broth (I prefer low-sodium, but you don't have to)

3 large carrots, peeled and cut into large chunks

2 onions, petaled (this means cut the paper and the ends off and quarter them, then peel the sections apart so the pieces look like flower petals)

2 celery stalks, cut into large chunks

6-10 large mushrooms (I like shiitake or one large portobello cut into chunks. If you prefer white, though, this is alright too.)

2-4 bay leaves

4 Tbsp Worcestershire 

2 Tbsp Tabasco sauce, like Frank's Red Hot

parsley

chives

6 garlic cloves, plus 2 more crushed

one small bag baby potatoes

1/4 cup reduced fat margarine

1/4 cup low fat sour cream

Season the ribs on both sides with salt and pepper. 

Put the tablespoon of oil in the pan and turn the heat to high.

When the oil starts to run all over the pan, like this, then it is heated high enough to put the ribs down.

Lay the ribs flat in the pan. 

Cook for 4-5 mins each side, or until nicely browned.

Using a fork, transfer the ribs to a slow cooker.

Now, for those of you that don't have a slow cooker (and what they don't tell you in the magazine) is that you can mimic this exact process in a large soup pot. Just make sure it is approximately the same size as a slow cooker pot, perhaps bigger, with a lid. Instead of putting the slow cooker on high, turn the heat of your burner down to low and this will imitate the process. Just make sure to check the stove more often than you would a slow cooker, as it is less even and tends to be a bit more finicky (especially if you have an open-flame gas stovetop). 

While the pan is still hot, deglaze it by pouring in the beer and stirring it around with a spoon to pick up any brown bits. Pour the mixture over the ribs in the slow cooker.

Also, this was the moment I noticed a small plastic ball rattling around in each of the Guinness cans. Boyfriend told me it was called a Widget, and that all the dark beers used it to maintain freshness. I thought it was a toy, and was disappointed with this statement.

Why won't you come out and play with me?

Add the chopped vegetables, 6 garlic cloves (smash them with the flat side of a knife first), bay leaves, Worcestershire, Tabasco, and beef broth. Turn the slow cooker to high and set the timer for four hours.

Now, another thing they do not tell you in the recipe (and that you can really decide for yourself) -- the broth of this stew will be about as thick as it is when it comes out of the beer can. Personally, I prefer my sauces a little thicker, especially if I am pouring them over mashed potatoes. This is easily achieved through adding a heaping spoonful of corn starch and stirring it in. I don't recommend adding more than this, as the stew can start to taste powdery, but it will give it a slightly thicker consistency which I personally find much more appetizing.

Cover, and leave to cook.

In the last 45 mins before the cook time is up, cut the potatoes into large chunks and put them in a large saucepan or pot with just enough water to cover them completely. Boil them on high heat, stirring every few minutes, until they are soft enough to mash.

Into a bowl, add the sour cream, margarine, 2 cloves crushed garlic, and salt and pepper to taste. Pour the potatoes in and mash them (I like to use a thicker masher at the beginning to catch all the potatoes, then a smaller-faced one afterwards to make them nice and creamy).

Masher one

Masher two

Spoon the potatoes into separate bowls.

Using a slotted spoon, scoop the desired amount of meat and vegetables and place it on top (you will notice that the meat is now falling apart it is so soft. Perfect consistency). Use a regular spoon to drizzle the desired amount of sauce overtop. Garnish with parsley and chives to taste.

Perfect boyfriend pick-me-up.

It's a Me Thing #1: The Un-athletic Athlete

All my life, I have been the quintessential jock: basketball, volleyball, track and field, cross country, swimming, water polo, wrestling, soccer, European handball; I've done it all (and by done it all I mean in high school I actually played every single one of these sports in one year, before injury knocked two or three of them off of the following year's list). In fact, since I was 13 years old I have played competitive sports year round (for the most part this means basketball, either at a club, school, provincial, national, or university level); and as such, my current transition from athlete (with a dash of everything else) to normal human being trying to stay in shape has been, shall we say, a difficult road to travel at best (and rarely does it reach this aforementioned peak).

I'll be honest, when I first started working out post-basketball I felt more than a little out of my element. I walked into my local gym, headphones blaring angry metal music, in XXL red basketball shorts, a sleeveless t-shirt with armpits ripped down to the top of my hips, and knee-high socks under bright red basketball shoes with a black wristband on each arm. 

And then, I noticed just how many people were staring at me. You see, I'd completely forgotten that, outside of the underground, Rocky-movie-esque varsity athletics weight room, normal people did not dress like this. On top of that, normal people (especially normal girls) did not do max power clean reps, 355 lb. leg presses, and one-rep-max bench presses -- all to the sweet serendipity of Disturbed's "Down with the Sickness". Or, at the very least, people did not do so in public places, and if they did then it was certainly not without the soothing metabolic syrups of both powerful, illicit  steroids and and a healthy dose of poorly-suppressed anger.

I realized, quite quickly after this, that for the most part I didn't know how to work out like a normal person. I had learned, from an early age, how to be a competitive athlete -- but I was now realizing just how weird our breed of creature really was, and I was struggling desperately to adjust to normalcy. On top of that, I was no longer afforded the benefit of 2000-3000 burned calories' worth of basketball practice 5 days a week, and so I would have to fit some cardio into my schedule (a fact which I was loathe to admit, as this has never been one of my strengths). Also, I figured this nouveau-unathleticism would be a perfect opportunity to work on other fitness goals that had, as a result of basketball, been shifted to the back burner -- for example, a massive improvement on my flexibility, especially that in my low back and legs.

As is all too common with my line of thinking, however, my goals are often much loftier than my body allows. Take, for example, my current efforts at bendiness:

This is the intended outcome:

This is the actual result:

Needless to say, my flexibility is still a work in progress.

I have been pleased to discover, though, that a love-hate relationship is developing between me and the treadmill: that is, I love the way running feels once I have finished doing it (and the corresponding calorie burn the process affords me), but I absolutely hate the process. Why? Because, my dear friends, I am an unathletic athlete: I, in all my ex-varsity glory, am an utterly abominable runner.

From day one, I have always been horrible at running. My side cramps within two minutes of jogging, I sweat profusely (and this is putting it lightly), and my feet pound the ground like angry Donkey Kong fists in a 90's videogame. I breathe raggedly and loudly, and my knees always seem to be closer together than my feet, giving my gait the appearance of an angry, land-locked duck. 

This is how I try to run, or at least how I imagine myself doing so:

In my imagination, I am certainly no marathon runner or Olympic-level sprinter, but I maintain at least a moderate level of apparent athleticism, grace, and fluidity of effort. What does not factor in to this fantasy, though, is just how much running sucks.

Like, really. I truly hate running.

This, for me, is what running feels like:

In fact, of all the exercises out there, I think I hate running most of all. The masochist in me, however, forces me to continue doing so -- pain is just weakness leaving the body (although, perhaps, blockheadedness is taking its place). And so, as a result of this deep hatred and constant discomfort, this is the most accurate description of what I actually look like when I run:

I, despite my best efforts to the contrary, am an ugly runner. I hate the way it feels, but I love the results, and this dichotomy is represented (in as unattractive a manner as possible) in my workout appearance. I am a treadmill monstrosity; I am the-runner-that-should-never-have-been.

Despite all this, though, my (albeit accurate) self-deprecating blog does have a point. I hate running, and running hates me -- but, like a dilapidated horse and an obese, geriatric jockey, somehow, some way, we manage to work together. 

And so, without further ado, here are three running workouts that, to this day, I love to hate.

Interval Series # 1: The two-peaked pyramid

-Unlike the sprint intervals listed below, this series requires you to maintain a consistent clip at a high speed for an extended period of time. Personally, I find these the easiest, but only if I'm only doing two peaks; more than that, and I feel like my legs and my lungs are having a knife fight with one another

-Begin jogging at level 5 (about a 12 minute mile pace) and incline 1. Jog for five minutes, making sure to work out any initial cramps through active stretching and deep breathing.

-At the 5 minute mark, every 30 seconds you will increase the speed of the treadmill by one full level. You will go from level 5 to level 10 (six minute mile pace), back to 5 again, then up and down once more. After that, you will jog for five more minutes at level 5 to cool down. It will look something like this:

0:00-5:00: Level 5, warmup

5:00-5:30: Level 5

5:30-6:00: Level 6

6:00-6:30: Level 7

6:30-7:00: Level 8

7:00-7:30: Level 9

7:30-8:00: Level 10

8:00-8:30: Level 9

8:30-9:00: Level 8

9:00-9:30: Level 7

9:30-10:00: Level 6

10:00-10:30: Level 5

10:30-11:00: Level 6

11:00-11:30: Level 7

11:30-12:00: Level 8

12:00-12:30: Level 9

12:30-13:00: Level 10

13:00-13:30: Level 9

13:30-14:00: Level 8

14:00-14:30: Level 7

14:30-15:00: Level 6

15:00-20:00 Five-minue cool-down, level 5

Interval Series # 2: 30-second sprints

-You will start this series with a five-minute warmup as well. After that, you will turn the treadmill up to level 10 for 30 seconds, then back down to level 5 for 30 second rest. So, half a minute sprint, half a minute rest. I do ten of these, twenty on days when I really and truly hate myself. And no matter what, I always finish with a five-minute cool down at level 5.

-For example:

0:00-5:00: level 5, warmup

5:00-5:30: level 10

5:30-6:00: level 5

6:00-6:30: level 10

6:30-7:00: level 5

-etc., etc.

Interval Series #3: I am filled with self-loathing and the only solution is pain; a.k.a., one-minute interval sprints

-These are essentially the same as the above, but you spent a full minute at level ten for the sprints, and then give yourself a full minute's rest. Doing five of these is like doing ten 30-second sprints, and vice versa. The only difference with these is you must maintain the 6-minute-mile pace for a longer period of time, which makes this series (at least in my opinion) more difficult.

-For example:

0:00-5:00 level 5, warmup

5:00-6:00 level 10

6:00-7:00 level 5

7:00-8:00 level 10

8:00-9:00 level 5

-etc., etc.

Bitchin' Kitchen # 1: Everyone Loves Cookies (Even Cupcakes)

Last week's blog got me thinking -- well, stewing really -- about cooking failures past (and, nightmare of nightmares, future) and I decided I needed to reaffirm my capabilities. Only to myself, though -- this would be a self-confidence-building exercise, not an endeavour in egomania.

And then my boyfriend presented me with news. His grad school classroom (I'm sorry, teaching certification program -- he hates when I call it grad school) was taking turns signing up to bring treats for their module. He announced proudly that he had signed up for two slots within the next week -- or, rather, he had signed me up, as his cooking prowess extended to heating chicken noodle soup from the can and melting cheese and chopped pepperoni sticks over tortilla chips under the broiler.

(I make this joke in all seriousness -- after leaving him on his own for dinner for the first time, I arrived home to find the potatoes I'd prepped un-grilled, the chicken I'd marinated un-baked, the salad I'd mixed un-made, and him sitting red-handed and pink-faced in front of the TV with a plate of tortilla chips, melted cheese, and chopped turkey pepperoni. I have yet to let him live this down.)

And so, I got inspired: this is the result. For kids of all ages (including boyfriend's grad class), these cupcakes are a delicious treat whose aesthetic delight is equalled only by their fun in assembly.

So, without further ado:

Cookie Monster Cupcakes

(Apologies in advance for the sporadic photos. At some points I did very well, at others I got caught up in the process and forgot... and then my camera battery died, so I had to take the last few with my phone. I promise I will do better next time.)

Cupcakes:

½ cup butter

1 c white sugar

2 large eggs

1 c skim milk

1 tsp vanilla (preferably double strength)

2 c all purpose unbleached flour

2 tsp baking powder

1 tsp, or 12-15 drops, blue food coloring

Have butter at room temperature. Blend well with sugar, using a whisk, a pair of forks, or (preferably) an electric mixer.

Beat in eggs, one at a time.

Combine dry ingredients in separate bowl.

Measure out milk and add vanilla and food coloring to the mixing cup; stir gently in the mixing cup. Keep separate.

Stir 1/3 dry mixture into “butter/egg” batter. Mix.

Add 1/3 milk mixture. Mix.

Repeat in 1/3 portions until dry mixture and milk mixture have all been added.

Fill the cups of a standard muffin pan with paper liners. Using a soup spoon, spoon equal amounts into each of the cups until all batter has been used. (When I doubled this recipe, it made 36 cupcakes. If you find that you want to make smaller ones, or you are overfilling the liners, start a second tray. Just make sure that whatever cups are left empty are filled with water and not left empty.

Bake at 350°C/180°C in the oven for 15-20 minutes or until a toothpick poked into the centre of the cupcake comes out clean. Cake surface will start to appear golden brown around the edges (although this is hard to tell when the cupcakes are blue, so always go by the toothpick).

Icing:

2 ½ cups sugar

10 large egg whites (these can be bought in cartons, which I find easiest)

4 cups (8 sticks; I also like this method too because you can just cut the sticks where the measurements are already drawn out) butter, cut into pieces

2 tsp vanilla extract

1 tsp (12-15 drops) blue food coloring

Place sugar and egg whites in a heat-proof bowl (the heat-proof metal bowl of your electric mixer would work if this is what you are using). 2/3 fill a large soup pot with water, bring to a simmer (medium-low heat; any higher and the egg whites will cook and you will get white chunks in your icing) and set the mixing bowl inside. Whisk constantly until sugar has dissolved and egg whites are hot to the touch, 3-5 minutes. (Test by rubbing with your fingers; it should feel smooth and not grainy).

Transfer bowl to mixer stand (or counter, if no mixer). Whisk on high speed until mixture has completely cooled and formed stiff and glossy peaks, about 10 mins.

Add the butter, one piece at a time, and beat until each addition has been mixed in.

Add vanilla and food coloring, beat until just combined.

Continue mixing until completely smooth, about 5 mins more.

(Yeah... see, the icing would be one of those space-out-and-forget-to-take-pictures-moments. Oops.)

A tip: If you don't want to make icing (which I have been informed some people do not), the grocery stores sells cans of icing that (I have also been told) work just as well. I stopped and took a peek at them the last time I went grocery shopping and I think Betty Crocker makes them in various colours, if these are the ones people are telling me about. There are multiple heads to attach to the aerosol can, so use the one that looks like a Philips head screwdriver because intuition tells me it will work the best to make furry cookie monster faces.

Assembly:

For the eyes (per cupcake):

2 disc-shaped white mints (or white chocolate baking discs)

2 chocolate chips

a tiny amount of white icing (or blue, if you can hide it well)

Glue the chocolate chips to the mints using the icing.

Cookies:

Use a butter knife to cut oreo cookies in half (you need the knife or they will crumble. I speak from experience).

When the cupcakes have completely cooled (and the ‘eyes’ have set), spread them thickly with blue icing. Use a fork to pick up points of icing and texturize it. (if you bought icing, use the attachment that looks like a Philips head screwdriver).

Stand the eyes up in the cupcakes (don’t lay flat). Press in firmly.

Press the half an oreo cookie into a spot for a mouth.

Pick up the icing more with your fork around the oreo cookie to make it look like the mouth is overtop.

Let the icing harden slightly before transporting. Lay cupcakes flat when travelling; never stack, no matter how dry, because it will flatten them and make them gummy and too moist.

Et voila: Cookie monsters.

Other options:

Elmo:

Make red cupcakes and red icing. Stand the eyes up as per normal but add a large yellow gumdrop directly under them to look like a nose.

Grover:

Keep the cupcakes blue, but lay the eyes flat instead of standing them up. Add a large pink gumdrop for a nose and a small strip of red licorice for a mouth.